My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
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My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.