My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
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fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*