Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory

I got a call the other day from my daughter asking if I could keep her kids over the long weekend so I said that would be fine

I don’t have a daughter, so some poor bastard is getting stuck with kids this weekend that he’s not ready for

Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…

instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”

well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that

My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him

Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.

CW: I think you’re two-faced

Me: Why don’t you say that to my face

CW: I just did!

Me: No. My other face.

brain: wake up

me: it’s 1:15 am

brain: pick up your phone

me: fine just for a minute

brain: lmao ok

A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying

Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.

I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.

Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.

God: [making trees]

Trees: yay

God: [making beavers]

Trees: nonononono

Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.

Toddler: hold my sippy cup

I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.

Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8

Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset

Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.

I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.

I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.

I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.

Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.

Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?

Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper

DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord

DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?

DV: fire!

[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]

My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun

Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.

Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?

Me: Yes

I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.

Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.

Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?