Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bread, a tale of tears

I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.

Incredibly it tasted amazing

Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry

DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:

– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad

– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise

– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral

– there’s like a groom or w/e idc

My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.

How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?

Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.

Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.

The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.

The point of your 20s

Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible

7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*

Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.

Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

[AA meeting]

Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist

Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?

M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…

As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.

I’m more “fermented”.

George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”

Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).

*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*

I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare

A) Re-open the park

B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park

I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.

Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…

A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.

“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.

On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.

Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”

I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”

I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.

Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.