My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
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In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Jesus Christ lmao
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien