Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver

Cat 911: What’s your emergency?

Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!

Cat 911: Seriously?

Cat: No, LOL!

Cat 911: LOL!

You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …

time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.

repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.

Shoo shoo! 😂

All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”

How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”

“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING

AM I BEING GASLIT????

Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no

*died in your arms tonight*

*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*

*buried in the woods the day after that*

Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings

Me: too boring, right?

Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop

Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”

5 “Trying to pull it out.”

Me “That’s going to hurt.”

5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”

(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.

My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.

Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django

I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.

I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet

When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.

Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.

me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]

Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”

Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.

13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma

Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.