Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’

My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.

Cop: do you know why I stopped…

Me: *holding up hand for a high five*

Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…

Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*

Cop: what are you, Umm

Me: *i hold eye contact* hi

Cop: *blushing* hi lol

If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).

*world is ending*

Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO

We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄

[Frat party]

Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-

CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.

Overheard, my kids-

7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda

If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢

Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him

this came to me in a vision

Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office

6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes

6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes

6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open

Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.

My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”

I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂

My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers

I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.

Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers

“I hate confrontation”

“No, you don’t”

Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

{during sex}

Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights

Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny

(invention of the crib)

put that baby in jail

[guy who’s about to invent urinals]

*peeing* i hate having privacy