My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
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Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
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Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please