My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
You Might Also Like
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?
Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
mood
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden