My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
You Might Also Like
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..
just witnessed a drug deal
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….
Ther’s safety in numb bears
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Where can I get a Medic Alert bracelet that says “not a hugger?”
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Pot warmers of the day.
