Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?

Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?

Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.

Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.

He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.

I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

Brushing my daughter’s hair

Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.

Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.

cellmate: how did you get here

me: i took the train

cellmate: no i mean what did you do

me: i just told you

“Does your dad play any sports?”

“No, my dad hates sports”

*dad walks in*

“Hey there, Sport”

Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.

I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.

Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later

Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.

It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.

Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable

It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.

Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.

I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.

when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase

PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET

6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.

Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”

If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?

realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history

Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”

Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”

My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.

I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.

Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option

When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless