Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…

Papa john’s: order a pizza!

Mama john’s: we have pizza at home

I bought some coconut shampoo today.

I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”

[boss’s office]

I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?

“No, sir”

I like your style, Murray.

A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.

“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”

This is a funeral. Show some respect.

“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”

This rocks

The biggest mystery of our time

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.

I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks

Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore

Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.

There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

Me: so what does your husband do?

Her: he’s a dermatologist

Me: pore guy :/

have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened

My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby

Remember folks 😂

To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.

Aim at his smartphone.

He’ll die faster.

The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess

It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.

A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”

“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”

MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill

NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back

My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked

My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.