Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You Tolkien to me?

Hobbit de Niro.

#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser

Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week

1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow

“I love coffee”, she says while pouring half a gallon of creamer into her mug

I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.

Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too

People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?

It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room

Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)

IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?

If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.

It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down

Am I capable of premeditated murder?

Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.

Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.

[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants

I got 3 miles in before breakfast.

That’s enough driving for the day

When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.

despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years

no one:

contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad

Mother: We named you after my father

Me: Yeah, I understand how time works

Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”

Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”

*first day as a pilot*

Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo

who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.

A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.

HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”

Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”