My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
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I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
That’s classic.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.