My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
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Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.