Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes

If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg

Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.

Look at this

When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:

“OK.”

How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate

Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro

Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.

[hell]

Satan: this is our library

Me: cool i love reading

Satan: we only have the twilight series

Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws

BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?

Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.

Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.

But it’s more likely a sociopath.

~Inspirational

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.

When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?

Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.

[Eating canned soup]

OMG I love sodium.

*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*

*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN

say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera

Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.

I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Wife: Let me do the talking

Cop: No, I’ll do the talking

Me: Why is your wife even with you

Cop: There you go, I said this would happen

My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…

[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs

Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.

Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”

How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?