My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
You Might Also Like
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Monica just destroyed the internet
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
you gotta be faster
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.