My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
You Might Also Like
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Mountain Goat : )
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed