Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!

Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?

9: It matters for two minutes.

When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.

Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”

looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam

mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice

Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually

I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice

I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.

“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.

What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.

me: i need a dr appointment

reception: ok plz verify your birthday

me: it’s this friday

reception: thanks

me: but you don’t have to get me anything

reception: umm, ok

me: there’s really nothing i even need

reception: ok i wasn-

me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12

Do you smell smoke?

I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*

HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.

But cases continue to rise.

I need to sieze this.

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.

I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress

Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.

My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.

[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today

Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”

ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.