Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair

This encourages me to spend less time in it

I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.

he chose this

SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird

I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”

87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.

Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.

I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.

If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.

i would wish you the best but i am the best

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….

HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.

My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair

Interviewer: Describe your current position.

Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.

Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”

Me: “Bet.”

Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO

Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..

Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!

Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.

Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese

Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control

For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5

My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.

[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]

If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college

[driving]

Me: I don’t know where we are.

3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.

Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.

God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*