My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
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Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews