My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
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Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Boss: you’re late
Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court
Boss: I hate you
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Venn
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
What’s so funny?
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it