My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
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Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.