Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.

Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip

*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*

“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”

HIM: Are you mad at me?

ME: No.

HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.

ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.

My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.

My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough

NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!

DR DOG: You’re joking, right?

Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner

Me and kiddo listening to music in car:

In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶

Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover

*20 min later at the grocery store*

Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?

Stranger:😳

Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.

Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

“OMG, this is better than sex!”

-Me, snacking during sex

My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.

Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.

My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’

He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.

Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD

Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?

Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!

Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.

Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”

I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.

Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.

Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat

I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support

My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.

TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red

Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.

Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway

100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.

8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.

Me: You’re going to daycare today

3: Okay

Me: We’re almost at daycare

3: Okay

Me: We’re at daycare

3: *bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare

Lol.

*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business