My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
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Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
that would 100% work on me
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Haha! 😂
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that