Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.

I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy

my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo

[abducted aboard a UFO]

Alien: Take us to your leader

Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?

A: We’ll return you, unharmed

M: Not… not even a probe?

A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans

M: *pouting* Even if I say please?

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on

[first day as a spy]

Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out

I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.

ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what

Open for business, 24/7

~my stomach

Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight

4yo: can you get this open for me?

Me: oomph this is kinda tough

4yo: use your claws

“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”

~ The person that is wrong

in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.

Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay

EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?

ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster

EARTH: great just checking

Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.

Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.

Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.

“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350

on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him