Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.

You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place

I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs

ㅤ

My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.

She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.

Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.

My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!

He’s nowhere to be found.

Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black

I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?

They are only bad decisions if you get caught

me: salt rim please.
barista: what.

My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.

But congrats on your pregnancy!

Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?

Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.

Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.

It’s Mental Health Day today.

– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.

WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.

[later at the dinner party]

ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?

People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.

Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.

Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …

Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.

Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.

Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.

“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”

“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”

“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”

So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!

Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes

djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube