My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
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[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!
people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
