My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
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I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married