My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.

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My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.


[car slides off road in a snowstorm]

Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me

[we both laugh as he drives away]

[still stuck 10 hours later]

Me: I regret nothing


friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times


My gastroenterologist used to be a plumber.

Having to see him is gut-wrenching


HR: know why you’re here?
Me: I put my tongue in the candy cutter
Union: well..unsafe..but fired?
HR: the candy cutter’s name is Trish


got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again


Remember ladies: when a guy says “I’m listening” what he means is “I bet if Godzilla had machine guns for arms he’d of been unstoppable”.


If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.


Things I learned from media:

Sanders has won a bunch of states but must drop out

Rubio shows he’s a contender by losing nearly everywhere


Every MCU villain’s character arc

Villain: *makes reasonable political demand*

(5 minutes later)

Villain: execute the civilians