My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
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[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me
[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Me: I regret nothing
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
My gastroenterologist used to be a plumber.
Having to see him is gut-wrenching
HR: know why you’re here?
Me: I put my tongue in the candy cutter
Union: well..unsafe..but fired?
HR: the candy cutter’s name is Trish
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Remember ladies: when a guy says “I’m listening” what he means is “I bet if Godzilla had machine guns for arms he’d of been unstoppable”.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Things I learned from media:
Sanders has won a bunch of states but must drop out
Rubio shows he’s a contender by losing nearly everywhere
Every MCU villain’s character arc
Villain: *makes reasonable political demand*
(5 minutes later)
Villain: execute the civilians