My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
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DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.
Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
We avoided this particular disaster
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water
Checkmate, Allegiant
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old