Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”

Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”

music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’

[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs

Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.

Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.

weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel

if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine

I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.

day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea

Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?

I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”

In a parallel universe nobody can park.

Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket

“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.

The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner

Therapist accidentally sent me her cat

If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide

I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.

First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count

Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.

Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.

– two things I’ve learned the hard way

Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?

Fireman: ….

{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?

I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.

OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?

Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

“Everybody freeze!”
-November