Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.

You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?

I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.

If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.

*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back

You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.

You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.

Anyway, I lost an eye today.

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

Found my door mat

Them: Do you know who you look like?

Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.

My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.

Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.

[on a date]

him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone

me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*

Is….Is this an option?

me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?

3: it smells hot

You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids

“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”

Hospice was my favorite spice girl,

into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma

one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭

“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer

Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters

6: I want to grow my hair longer.

Me: Oka—

6: So I can bite it.

Me:

him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]

me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]

[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count

Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.

Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.

[1st date]

date: you have any hobbies?

me: i collect old comics

date: oh like first editions?

me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure

My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.

sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?

-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.