My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
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Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Hang in there buddy
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.