Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her

i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me

Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.

i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”

Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.

In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.

Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.

“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”

Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.

People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together

just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me

Took a good look at my finances.

I won’t make that mistake again.

Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.

Flying cockroach: hahahahaha

If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?

In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms

He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’

A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.

My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

How do dragons blow out candles?

A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.

You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people

I hate when that happens.

THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.

My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.

I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …

I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”

Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]

*Falls off ladder*

Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?

it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely

Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies

You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”

5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!

Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed

5: I neeeeeeed one!

Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]

5: not there! On my arm!

If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?

Machine learning algorithm: yes.

Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.