My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
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Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.