My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
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Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
expecting to live rent-free in my mind? good luck being homeless
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
😼🖥️
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
