HER: I’m leaving you
HER: u lie to me constantly
ME: ha! u don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula Amber
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
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Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
If you pay me $50 I’ll show up to your funeral but stand really far away, holding a black umbrella regardless of the weather, so that people think you died with a dark and interesting secret.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
My pet rock likes to dent people’s heads. I don’t blame him
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
I’m at my most audacious and brazen when I shamelessly use words like audacious and brazen.