Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics

[after explaining speed limit signs]

5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits

[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]

*extreme rat noises*

I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.

Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.

I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.

OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind

Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about

Mongoose is French for “my goose.”

Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!

Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.

Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?

If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.

Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.

Was it something I said?

My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.

[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse

A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.

By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”

not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?

I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on

Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.

The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence

Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.