My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
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Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
The real reason evolution started..😂
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
🤣🤣
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.