Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯

Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳

#stats

Police: How are you feeling?

Me: I’m fine.

*polygraph explodes*

People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes

6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?

Me:

6:

Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.

hi, how are you?

–yoda asking how high you are

[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER

My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.

This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.

“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”

All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.

being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.

i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”

First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage

For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.

ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.

Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles

God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher

You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.

When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.

[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*

People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.

Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭

Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.

If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.

Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.

13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.

Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.

Remember that it’s “i before e” …

Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.

BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what