Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look

I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?

I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.

7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.

One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.

Until then, I’ll keep eating.

when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho

“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.

me: my father shall hear of this

them: is he powerful and wealthy?

me: no we’re just close

Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson

me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News

my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News

Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about

•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises

-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you

I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.

Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble

One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes

Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!

What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.

When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous

Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?

having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head

I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?

As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.

Wanna see awkward?

Hand me a baby.

I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.

there was another, tinier cement truck inside

Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”

Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*

“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”

*flirty giggle* “ok…”

“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”