My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
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people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
wdym don’t shoot the messenger? take responsibility for your career choices
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
aura
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.