Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry but I strongly disagree

H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.

Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!

My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.

Me: Do the dishes.

10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.

Me: Do the dishes all week.

Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.

Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down

Me *reads the news out loud*

Spider *depressed* holy shit

Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.

Wife: Don’t you mean for?

Me: Sure. That too.

Sucks when good bands have dumb names.

“What are you listening to?”

“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”

“…”

Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.

A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay

My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.

Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.

first you must answer his riddles

Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.

*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*

He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.

My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye

5: mom i learned the months of the year!

me: oh yeah? what are they?

5: january…february…tuesday?

me: *tears up application to harvard

Me: I have an imaginary gf.

Therapist: U can do better than that.

M: I know, it’s just–

T: I was talking to her.

How much for the sentient racist skeleton?

“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”

I had to Stop for this

I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.

My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”

*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*

“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”

Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?

Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower

10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

[oval office]

SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!

PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*

[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”

“Coming this summer, the exciting movie you’ve been waiting for!” – Teaser trailer

“You call those tires? You couldn’t haul a kitten, you wimp!” – Trailer teaser

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.