My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Show me a better name for a sugar company.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
