My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Teach your children to beatbox
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
iPhone X
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
