My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
They’re really bad with fonts.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
I’m tired tomorrow.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
I love wikipedia
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
