Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
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me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid