Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your honor my client doesn’t like jail

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days

I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.

*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP

Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly

I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*

Guy at next urinal: holy shit

House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.

So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?

My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah

First Christmas argument underway.

I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.

You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider

Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.

FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed

ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary

“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”

“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”

“And run the hospital cafeteria!”

“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”

“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???

I felt like I accidentally rolled my eyes at someone on the tube and they saw me, so I decided to start rolling my eyes a lot, pretending I had some sort of eye problem to try to explain/disguise the first accidental eye roll and they probably think I’m a maniac.

Him: “Age is just a number.”

Me: “Technically, age is a word….”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.

Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?

[Inside every wolf]

Me: Hey.

Me: Oh, hey.

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!

That 👊

It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.

Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.

a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..

“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”

Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄

Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”

Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”

“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.