Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why didn’t I go pee earlier.

– My tombstone

Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?

February 14th.

“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.

bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation

me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey

I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.

I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?

shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good

Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”

new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby

friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop

Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to

friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha

Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that

Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.

My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.

I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.

Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?

“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells

After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.

When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt

I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.

*first day as a hair stylist

“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”

‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’

~ The monster under my bed

I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.

[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them

What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?

More like Kate Missington.

when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud

I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.