My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
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I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
Pretty much! 😂👀
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box