My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
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The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Introverted vegans go meetless
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
OMFG!
I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.
Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,
I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.