My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
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Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat