@coffeeandvinyl1

My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”

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@stevevsninjas

Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.

@ArfMeasures

DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.

ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?

@AlwaysAButt

doctor: you’re gonna need to take probiotics

me: oh i don’t think i can afford that

doctor: don’t worry, there are lower cost options

me: ah, yes. amateur biotics

@MNateShyamalan

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

@CheryeDavis

Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…

@KalvinMacleod

I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.

@TheChrisAngel

By tomorrow night America will be in a turkey induced coma.

On Friday…Canada attacks.

@pro_worrier_

Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency

Me: I’m being held prisoner

Dispatch: Do they have weapons?

Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords

Dispatch: Umm ok

Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks

Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children

Me: …….Maybe.

Dispatch: 5th one today

@ericsshadow

If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.

@GrumpyComments

Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.