My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Mike is short for Micycle
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
