My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
The police never think its as funny as you do.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Finally
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
