My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Very good! 👍😂
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
excuse me
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
