Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.

[montage of me giving-up]

I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.

Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay

You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.

when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn

I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother

Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.

“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”

me at 10am:

Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*

[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”

I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.

She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

COP: Are you drunk?

ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*walks in a perfectly straight line*

COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff

Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.

If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.

Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.

I miss getting my misinformation from less places

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.

accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would

[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*

Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.

Yellow duck mess, my old friend.

[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care

Me: Push!

Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.

Me: What did the sign say?

Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((

Me: Rules are rules.

No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.

Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.

Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.

Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.