@lemmywinkler

My 13 year old daughter just lit a cigarette at the kitchen table. I’ve never been more furious! And in front of her kids too!

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@ElleOhHell

Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).

@FrazzleMyGimp

[on Ferris wheel]

ME: This is going great.

MY DATE: This is so weird.

UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.

@daemonic3

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

@SilleVio

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon

@CynicalTherapi1

When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”

@ericsshadow

For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.

@GingerHotDish

Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?

Me: Probably… Saskatchewan

Them: …

Me: or Worcestershire