WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
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Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.