My 13 year old daughter just lit a cigarette at the kitchen table. I’ve never been more furious! And in front of her kids too!

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Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.


make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.


I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.


(First date)

Her: I like men who take charge.

Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*


He whispered in my ear that he liked being called daddy.
I whispered back that I liked being called a cab.


Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.


guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed


You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.


It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.