@lemmywinkler

My 13 year old daughter just lit a cigarette at the kitchen table. I’ve never been more furious! And in front of her kids too!

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@LnL245

Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.

@tehaveragejoel

make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.

@Contwixt

I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.

@karanbirtinna

(First date)

Her: I like men who take charge.

Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

@rose24_em

He whispered in my ear that he liked being called daddy.
I whispered back that I liked being called a cab.

@botandy

Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.

@DanMentos

guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed

@cambuslad

You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.

@lindsaymills

It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.