Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.

I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.

There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug

Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday

*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*

Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.

HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.

Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?

5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you

me: excuse me what

5yo: I can smell more things

7yo: ohh with his nose

5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old

me: wow

love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue

Her: Did you just ask that woman out?

Me: Yes…

Her: And? What’d she say?

Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”

People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides

17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.

you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly

Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.

Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.

trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”

Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit

gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.

Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either

Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both

I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together

My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.

Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.

Nobody:

Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME