My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
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My guardian angel deserves a raise
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!This is every influencer giving “advice.”
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?