Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid

AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.

“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.

Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.

Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.

[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect

Today I’m golfing.

Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.

Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.

my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep

Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general

ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years

WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever

Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.

The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.

I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense

God: you’re a coyote.

Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?

God: Heavenly Way.

Coyote: what about your first pets name?

God: Sprinkles : )

Coyote: awww last four of your social?

God: 0001, why?

Coyote: no reason.

[later]

Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.

I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.

Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?

Me: Yep.

D: But how can you be so sure of that?

M: I’ve seen them in museums

D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.

ME: where ya headed after Denver

PILOT: flying into Boulder

ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others

‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts

It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”

“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”

My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.

We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde

“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.

Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like

Wife: those are our children

A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.

Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.

-me, flirting

[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?

Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!

Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY