My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
no their not
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
