My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Sell your car
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
