My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Me My dog
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
The new American dream is an alien invasion.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
