Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”

I told her I’d have eight, please.

[getting completely dominated in a street fight]

ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules

I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.

Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!

cop: what happened?

librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

coo: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit

Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.

please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers

Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’

Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!

“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”

“Omg. Where is he now???”

“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”

Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas

[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*

Me: home is where the heart is.

Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.

Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]

[turns away with disappointment]

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life

ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same

“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”

When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.

5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.

Strangers have the best candy.

My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal

I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.

I think I accidentally became a nun:

✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits

“Please be normal”
“Nope”

Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant

People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.

3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it

I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around

I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.