My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
You Might Also Like
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
u spoke cat all this time??????
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
*pokes sex life with a stick
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
