My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
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History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?