Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”

Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?

Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.

I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.

The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice

Sorry, Ghostbusters.

At best, I might email or text you.

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

[Apple meeting]

We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.

“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”

Too honest, Carl.

My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE

[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”

Overheard This Weekend

Boy: Babe comes over to my place.

Gal: what do you want us to do?

Boy: Just to chill

Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!

Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago

Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today

3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”

1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up

Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.

Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.

Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.

Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.

I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.

Me: So that’s a no?

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted

Ffs laughed out loud 😂

I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.

ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know

Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok

the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.

Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead

-a valentine from the Predator

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..

My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.

Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?

[after bowling]

Me: that was fun

Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball

Me: it helps me aim

[later in bed]

Me: *whispering* bo-

Her: -no

The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat

Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.

I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”