Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs

New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.

“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”

all bases covered

[watching scary part of movie]

10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed

ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool

welcome mats are just gateway rugs

My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.

Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.

Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.

GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing

ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me

GUY: DAMMIT

director: ok, hit the lights

me: *slaps a lamp*

director: no i meant kill the lights

me: *pulls out a gun*

Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:

you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers

After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.

The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”

Would make a brilliant taxi driver

“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?

[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]

Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.

Boss: What?

Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.

Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.

If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.

#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆

Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure

Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.

why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2

[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me

If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.

[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord

Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?

If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.

At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)