Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.

Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.

therapist: so, what do you say when she says that

me: you sound like your mom

therapist: 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

nurse:how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse: what

me: would not recommend

Loan Officer: Denied

Me: maybe this will change your mind

*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*

Me: *catching my breath* well??

Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not

My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy

Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”

[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out

*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”

My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.

Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.

not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.

I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.

I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.

*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”

grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—

me: it’s not controversial

grampa: don’t start

me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men

grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—

me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—

grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!

Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.

As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!

Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.

If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?

Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.

{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie

{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.

The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.

getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”

In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.

IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.

The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages

My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!

Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low