Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks

ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog

Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?

If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.

I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.

“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”

daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?

I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.

-me, about to break the dryer

Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it

*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*

Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?

Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.

Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.

I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.

I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.

Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No

I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?

Me:

Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal

Me when the elevator tries to leave without me

Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!

Imagine me riding a bike.

Wrong.

There’s no seat.

Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.

*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.

You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.

For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.

I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.

-Kids

Every family has a crazy aunt.

Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.

My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.

wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!

[Standards Bar]

Politician: Make it a double.